We look at the three common barriers that stop parents from recording their life stories and how to overcome them.

You love the idea of your parents sharing and recording their stories but there is a problem, some sort of barrier that is preventing this from happening. Maybe the barrier is with you, lots of us are not sure how to approach the subject with our parents, or maybe you have approached your parents and there is still a barrier.

I have come across many barriers that prevent families from being able to capture and preserve recording their stories, but today, we are just going to look at the three most common barriers and how you can find your way around these barriers and encourage your parents to tell, share and even enjoy recording their stories.

• The elephant in the room

• Challenging stories

• It’s hard!

The elephant in the room

There is a commonly held idea that recording a life history, a life documentary, or a life story is something to be done towards, or near the end-of-life. Many times, adult children, who would love their parents to share their stories have said to me, ‘if I ask my mum/dad to record their stories they basically think I am saying please record your memories now, as I think you are going to die soon’, which is clearly pretty awkward and a tough conversation to have.

This idea that a life story is something to do at the end of life is even harder to deal with when you consider that we Brits still generally do not discuss death and dying or even ageing. While attitudes are changing and more of us are seeing how discussion and conversations around ageing, death, dying and bereavement can be helpful it is still something that we find challenging. There is still a stigma that makes these conversations difficult.

Back to the idea that recording life stories is something that should be done at the end of life.

This is something that I disagree with. That is not to say, they can not be done at the end of life, I have recorded some beautiful stories from those with terminal diagnoses, and I know that the process of telling stories, sharing memories, and knowing that those stories can be heard by children, grandchildren, friends, and partners has been a really validating process for those storytellers. I know too, that the final recordings are a huge comfort to the families, but I also believe that we should not wait until this time to tell our stories.

But, why wait? Why not tell your stories, and record memories while the tellers are young, vital, enjoying life, and looking forward to the future? Why not tell those stories now, so that they can open up new conversations and families can better know and understand both each other and their family stories?

So, how can you open up the conversation so that parent sees the benefits of recording stories and do not feel that they are being warned of their impending demise? Here are a few ideas:

‘Mum, you have strong memories of your parents and grandparents and life before we were born, I would love you to record that now while you are young, healthy, and full of life.’

‘Dad, I know that my children are too young to understand or show too much interest in their family history, I would love you to record your stories now for a time in maybe 30 years’ time when they may be interested.’

‘Mum, you have told me in the past that you wish you had a recording of your own parents speaking and that you wish you had asked them more about their lives and their stories would you record your memories now so that I am my children do not have the same regrets.’

‘Dad, how about you record your life story up to now, and we can do the next chapter in ten years’ time?’

‘Mum, we should record your stories now, it will be interesting to see how your thoughts looking back change in ten years’ time.’

‘Mum, please record your stories now, I would love to hear them now, rather than when it’s too late for us to have a conversation about them.’

Interestingly this is a less common problem for those with parents in their 90s. At this point, I get the impression that there is a certain pride around the history, and pride in recalling memories and events that few have witnessed.

Challenging stories

The second most common barrier is also around fear. Fear of causing offence, or stirring up problems. This is particularly common when there has been a difficult divorce, separation, or another challenging period, or person, in the family, and a parent may feel anxious to not hurt anyone’s feelings or reignite family feuds or grievances.

Now, to be honest, this can be difficult, I do not believe that life stories are the place to stir up feuds but what to do if there is a challenging topic but you want to capture a life story. These are a few solutions that do work.

First, I would reiterate that the storyteller is always in control of the editing process. If they say something during the recording that they later think may be misconstrued or taken badly, then that can be deleted or amended.

Second, I would ask my parent to record their story but discuss the fact that some topics can simply be left out, just because one topic is challenging surely doesn’t mean a whole life should go unrecorded.

I recorded a story of a lovely 80-something-year-old chap recently. We recorded his recollections of his childhood, his school years, his career, his memories of his parents, and his grandparents. He discussed the war, the coronavirus pandemic, his hobbies, and his partner, but he left out a 20-year chunk of his life - a challenging period, as he was worried that he might say something that would upset someone else, so we agreed before we started to just not go there. I am delighted to say, that he was delighted with the final recording, the feedback from both him and his family was wonderful.

What to say, how to say it, and where even to start!

I have met many families who have told me that they have asked their parents to record their stories, but that their parents didn’t do it, or maybe they made a start but gave up.

Let me tell you this; it is hard really hard to record or write a life story alone, it is really a big ask. What do you say, how to say it and where even do you start? It is really difficult for a storyteller to know what the family will be interested to hear or to read, and easy for self-doubt to creep in. It can feel like a huge task and so often too big to start. For someone to write down their own stories for others to read is a huge challenge unless they are very confident and really enjoy writing and again to record alone can actually be a lonely process.

So, what are the solutions? Listen, and offer help, support, or even just a lot of encouragement, depending on what is needed. Maybe your parent needs to know that you are interested, that their recollections are important to you, or maybe they need you to provide questions or topics or to listen or to help them with some technology, or to help with writing!

This list of barriers is by no means exhaustive, just a few of the common barriers that I have faced, I hope it helps with your conversations and you can now encourage your parents to record their stories.

How I can help

Above are just some of the barriers to recording parents’ stories. I am always more than happy to chat to potential storytellers to discuss their stories and life, to discuss the process of sharing their stories, to reassure them over ownership and editing so that they feel not only confident in the process, but will actually enjoy recalling and sharing their stories.

To find out how The Story Keepers can help with your project contact us today alice@thestorykeepers.co.uk, or sign up to our newsletter for further advice and ideas.